Let’s face it. The world has a lot of problems: overcultivation, climate change, water usage, and the use of nonrenewable resources. Some people have taken it upon themselves to try and change the world and make it a better place. To most of those people, I thank them, but to some of the others, I question whether it’s truly better. 

A company called Bitelabs has proposed an eco-friendly way to produce meat. By using mytosalletite cells, a type of stem cell, you can essentially “grow” meat. This isn’t what bothers me. No, what bothers me is what Bitelabs plans to do with this science. 

To give you a clue, their hashtag is #EatCelebrityMeat. Yep, they want to take those mytosalletite cells from celebrities and grow human meat. Artisanal salami, to be exact. 

According to the company’s  website, these cells are allowed to multiply in a growth medium, which gives the meat functions such as artificial ‘blood,’ which provides the meat with nutrients and growth factors. Then to get that meaty texture and structure, the fledgling muscles are attached over a sugar support. This also helps simulate veins. Once fully grown, they combine the fully grown meat with different types of animals, depending on the recipe. Spices, oils, and fats are then added to get that perfect flavor and consistency. It is then stuffed into a casing and sent off for shipping. 

Yuck. 

Bitelabs don’t have any celebrity sponsors yet, but they already have some ideas for the celebrities they want… and their recipes. That feels weird to type. Jennifer Lawrence’s salami would be complemented with pork and rabbit smoothed with notes of honey, spiced with hints of orange zest and ginger. There are other celebrities such as James Franco, Kayne West, and Ellen DeGeneres. 

I can almost get it. Overcultivation is a huge issue the world faces, and growing your own meat without the environmental problems and without the added hormones or animal cruelty does sound appealing. What’s not appealing is eating salami made of my favorite celebrity. This just feels like a new way to create cannibals. 

I rate #EatCelebrityMeat a 1 out of 5 cardinal heads.